Whenever I hear about great tragedies, natural disasters, famine, or some new rapidly spreading disease, I ask myself how I would handle it if such a fate were to land upon my own house. I have this fantasy that I’m standing in some New York style city when a huge wave, a tsunami, comes rushing violently toward me. Sadly, I know that if I were in such a situation, my wife would be right there beside me, but I wonder how I would respond if faced with certain death.
I like to believe that I would bravely stand my ground, staring down my fate just as intensely as it is rushing toward me, but I just don’t know. I imagine that I would take my wife in my arms and hold her tightly until death parts us. I cannot say for certain that I would be brave in such a situation, because I’m not sure I am brave in that regard.
Honestly, dying scares me to death. I think everyone is frightened of it to some degree, because it is in our D.N.A. to fear the unknown, and that is definitely an unknown, despite what people like to believe. Of course, I do not know how it will end when my time comes, but I have to assume that I’ll make it to old age, and if that happens then I know I’ll probably die in a hospital bed somewhere, and I think this is almost scarier than being hit with a nuclear missile. I fear this, because I do not know what those final moments will feel like, and I’ll have to face it alone. Sure, hopefully I’ll have people there by my side, but in some ways I wouldn’t even want them there, because I know that in my final seconds, my thoughts won’t be on them, a final selfish act.
So, when I look into the sky and wonder what it would be like to see a comet rushing directly toward me, I also think that perhaps that would be the better way to die. It’s just funny that everyone wants to make it to old age, but at the same time, I don’t know that anyone wants to experience the old age death.
When my time does come, I just hope that I take it in stride and with grace, because it will of course be my final act. The biggest thing that tears me up inside is the fact that truly I do want my loved ones there beside me, but at the same time, I hope they are all gone before that day comes so they won’t have to experience the pain of losing me.